Back in September 2005, I posted a note that had actually been written a number of years before that. This must be at least 9-10 yrs old, in fact, I may have written it before we ever left Lufkin, Tx in 1999 (I will check on this later)

In any case, here is a link to that article>>>>

http://z12.invisionfree.com/Apostles_Den/i...hp?showtopic=23

Lately, I have noticed in my own life a number of things going on. Some of these I have tried to convey in these blogs and a few others have actually understood at least some of those things.

While I personally have greater peace than ever before, I am also noticing a rise in unrest, sadness, sorrow, grief, a hesitancy to speak but a boldness and assurance that exists within whenever I do speak or write.

Yesterday, I lost what I thought was a friend, and we also lost a man who has spoken out on the apostacy of the Church and the demand of God for PERSONAL Holiness; David Wilkerson was killed in a car accident here in Texas. Last I heard, his wife was in ciritcal condition in a hospital.

I was reminded that we are coming into a time when we have no guarantee of continued blessings, peace, comfort or any other benefit unless it be directly from the Lord. We are not even guaranteed our lives, in fact we are promised that we will soon be facing the worst time in human history. Considering what is going on in the world outside of America, I find that idea to be a strangely comforting time to me.

Why, some may ask? Let me post a passage>>>>

Jer 20:7 [But Jeremiah said] O Lord, You have persuaded and deceived me, and I was persuaded and deceived; You are stronger than I am and You have prevailed. I am a laughingstock all the day; everyone mocks me.
Jer 20:8 For whenever I speak, I must cry out and complain; I shout, Violence and destruction! For the word of the Lord has become to me a reproach and a derision and has brought me insult all day long.
Jer 20:9 If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer].
Jer 20:10 For I have heard many whispering and defaming, [There is] terror on every side! Denounce him! Let us denounce him! Say all my familiar friends, they who watch for my fall, Perhaps he will be persuaded and deceived; then we will prevail against him, and we will get our revenge on him.
Jer 20:11 But the Lord is with me as a mighty and terrible One; therefore my persecutors will stumble, and they will not overcome [me]. They will be utterly put to shame, for they will not deal wisely or prosper [in their schemes]; their eternal dishonor will never be forgotten.
Jer 20:12 But, O Lord of hosts, You Who try the righteous, Who see the heart and the mind, let me see Your vengeance on them, for to You have I revealed and committed my cause.
Jer 20:13 Sing to the Lord! Praise the Lord! For He has delivered the life of the poor and needy from the hands of evildoers.
Jer 20:14 Cursed be the day on which I was born! Let not the day on which my mother bore me be blessed!
Jer 20:15 Cursed be the man who brought the tidings to my father, saying, A son is born to you!--making him very glad.
Jer 20:16 And let that man be like the cities which the Lord overthrew, and did not relent. Let him hear the [war] cry in the morning and the shouting of alarm at noon,
Jer 20:17 Because he did not slay me in the womb, so that my mother might have been my grave, and her womb always great.
Jer 20:18 Why did I come out of the womb to see labor and sorrow, that my days should be consumed in shame?

I too, have a fire in my bones, a burning that will not go away. Whenever I try to stop it, cease speaking/writing, leave others alone, I am all but destroyed. I cannot be silent. I must write although I am not forced to do so.

Does that make sense to you who read these words? Yes, I could cease writing, I could cease speaking out to others. If I did, this fire would die out; eventually. And so would I.

God made me this way. I was given a prophecy once back in 1997-98. In many ways it is funny to me, although it has proven itself to be quite true.

I was told I would cease being afraid of man. NO MAN SCARES me anymore. I was told not to mess with my personality, not to try to please others.

I have found, as that prophet also said, I cannot please others; I am to Please God and LOVE OTHERS and that is something He can do in and through me.

But one thing I remember, I read it just last night, was that he said I provoke other to righteousness and I demand them to SHOW ME GOD. I do not allow others to put on a false face, but demand REALITY from all I am connected to.

All of this and more has become a reality in my life.

And I burn. I burn on the inside. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is like hot coals, ready to flame up with the least amount of coaxing. Sometimes it actually becomes a ROARING BLAZE that is barely contained or controlled.

I do not believe God wants ME to contain it or control it!

This means I must truly lose myself in Him. And all of those old sayings that relate to losing ourselves in Him, laying down our lives, Not I but Christ, Jesus command to dney ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him, to have the mind of Christ, and on and on, ALL revolve around this same idea and all flow together into one WHOLE CONCEPT!

I cannot explain it to anyone. Oh I could say words, I could describe how I feel, what is inside of me, but YOU would NOT KNOW unless God has done the same to you! None of it would really make sense to you in REALITY. You might understand the words, as Job said>>>>>

Job 42:1THEN JOB said to the Lord,
Job 42:2I know that You can do all things, and that no thought or purpose of Yours can be restrained or thwarted.
Job 42:3[You said to me] Who is this that darkens and obscures counsel [by words] without knowledge? Therefore [I now see] I have [rashly] uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Job 42:4[I had virtually said to You what You have said to me:] Hear, I beseech You, and I will speak; I will demand of You, and You declare to me.
Job 42:5I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You.
Joib 42:6Therefore I loathe [my words] and abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes.

This idea is very foreign to today's Christians. They cannot conceive of anything they "cannot figure out for themselves", yet ALL of TRUE CHRISTIANITY is one of hiddenness, and revelation by the Holy Spirit ALONE! Man's reasoning does not allow for these things. The Church is humanistic beyond it's ability to recover by itself, (of course it never could truly recover or do anything of it's own abiltiy, but what is required is a Sovereign Act of God)

No man is anything. I am no one, even the apostles were nobody in particular. It was the Lord Himself in their lives. I have heard it said that we have yet to see what God will do through a man who is sold out completely to the Lord.

I agree. No, I lay no claim to that either. As i said, I am nothing, nor do I wish to be anything. In the movie, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, Charelton Heston as Moses is before the burning bush. God tells him to go down to Egypt to set His people free. Moses said, "Who am I, Lord?"

So is the heart attitude of all of those God has truly used.

He may use me as HE sees fit. Whether it is to continue as I have, ministering to my patients at work and ministering to people I encounter online (and the few I am allowed to minister to directly) or whatever else He desires of me.

I lay no claim to anything. I just KNOW whom I have believed and what HE has accomplished in my life DESPITE my lack of commitment and my "help", whihc helps God not even as much as Abraham helped God to produce a child and ended up with Ishmael.

My help has not been that good. So, I am surprised I have been able to learn what little I have learned and how much He has changed me. I tell you all the truth, if you see anything of Jesus Christ in me, it comes ONLY from my laying down my life and my submission to the Lord to allow Him to do as HE sees fit in my life. No amount of my trying, striving, planning, study, prayer or anything else has done it. It has all come from Him by faith, and even that came from Him when I admitted I could do nothing.

But now, it burns in me. I grieve for the people of God. I hurt for all of those I can see heading the wrong direction using man's reasoning as their guide.

I hurt for people I know who refuse to look at themselves in the Light of Jesus Christ and BE HONEST with themselves and Him. For the pride that so easily besets and deceives us ALL! Oh, how can I relate what I have gone through and what I continue to go through and how it grieves the Heart of GOD who can all of these things so clearly.

We are our own worst enemy. Because we REFUSE to do as HE has said, cease relying on ourselves and ONLY rely on Him, we convince ourselves of LIES and Deceive all of those around us. We think we are doing to work and will of God, when in reality we have succombed to the way of the flesh and by doing so, are in the Service of satan.

All because we do not insist on hearing HIS ABSOLUTE TRUTH nor do we demand and END of our self-lives.

I recently wrote to a former friend about Ray Boltz, when the fact of his giving in to the homosexual lifestyle became known, I read an article where he gave an interview.

The thing that bothered me most was not the fact that he nows lives as a homosexual. (Yes, that is terrible) But the fact that he said he did not want to hear any verses, and scripture, nothing from the Bible at all about that what he was doing was wrong. He had tried and tried his whole life and he just knew that God had made him this way and that God held nothing against him!

Unfortunately, that is the deception the flesh brings into our lives. IF we refuse to deal with it, to actually have our Lord put that flesh life to death and have it DIE upon His cross by faith, it WILL end up ruling our lives; we will continue to be Slaves to Sin, and no slave remains in the Household of God forever! (See John 8:31-36)

And that was they same sin, my ex=friend was committing because he KNEW God had told him something, yet what he was saying, contradicted the scriptures. So, in reality, it was NOT God he was listening to.

He did not want me to tell him that and he refused to yeild to what the scriptures actually said. His anger was obvious.

The Lord showed me through Ray Boltz and several other big name preachers who have fallen, that NONE of them dealt with the self life. Oh they fought it for years, but each and every one of them fell victim to it's deceptions and became ensnared in sin once more. There you have modern American Christianity.

I, like Jeremiah before me, cannot do anything but speak HIS TRUTH or be destroyed myself. If that hurts someone in the process, due to their being offended or their ego is bruised because I told them the truth, truly that is fine by me. No, I did not set out to hurt them, nor was it ever my intention to do so. ALL I have ever wanted was to see His people WALK as HE desires us to walk; JUST LIKE JESUS!

He has promised it to us. Should we not expect Him to accomplish it in us? That is part of what the Bible teaches, that we are to trust Him absolutely.

But in any case, I have rambled on long enough. The Fire is there. It GROWS. It burns even now while I am at work. I sense the sorrow and the suffering and the grief and the sadness. Yet through it all, there is a joy that is unspeakable, even in the midst of the trial. I know and have been told that there is coming into my own life, a great sorrow and sadness. It will take care of itself at the time it happens. BUT, no matter what, I will serve the Lord AS HE DESIRES!.

Many years ago, I was on Okinawa, I was trying to come back to the Lord in the midst of many terrible trials and Linda had told me she wanted a divorce. She was in Connecticut at the time. I was speaking with a minister and he asked me what I wanted to do. He said, I had no guarantee I would ever even get back with my family, possibly ever see them again. Now Did I want to go on with the Lord or try to get my family back?

I made a choice to follow the Lord. Then I spent three of the worst days of my life giving up all of my family expecting never to even see them again. A person CAN run out of tears. I know, I did it.

When it was all said and done, I truly had laid them down. I expected nothing in return. God then told me He would give me my wife back as a gift. He did.

I know what that grief, suffereing, and sadness is like. I have done the same for all of my children. I now see I must do the same for myself. There can be no going back. My life is not my own; I HAVE been bought with a price and I shall pay that same price in order to give Him what HE desires!

a bondslave in Christ Jesus, Dirk

He's coming back very soon for a people with pure hearts; a spotless, blameless bride; a people that fear Him and obey him; to a kingly people who rule over the world, the flesh, and the devil within their own hearts; a people who He rules over as Sovereign Lord and King. Everything and everyone else will be burned up in His all consuming fire. Whenever people hear this message, their flesh rebels against it, and they turn on the messenger accusing him of all manner of evil. They are deluded, thinking they serve God, when in actuality they serve Satan and their own flesh.

Yes, we have entered a time of great sorrow. All we can do is continue to preach His Word, and to examine ourselves lest we also be found reprobate.

I wonder about David Wilkerson's death at this time. I've heard a few of his recent messages, and they all call for the repentance of the church, and a turning back to God. The time is so short, and I often wonder if it's not about up for the people of God. David Wilkerson's death may be a sign that time is up--I don't know. I hope beyond hope that it's not. Yet, who is listening to the message??

If Jesus, the Word of God, is not King in our hearts, then we are not in His Kingdom.

But joy comes in the morning! The Lord says so!!

Yes – what a life this is. The process of pain we go through is because all true believers are actually dying daily by taking up their cross. At the same time the Spirit of life is working in us to mould us into the likeness of Jesus in resurrection power. Both death and life side by side, moment by moment – dying to the world and all its attractions, the flesh and all its attachments, and Satan's power; and finding our new Spirit led life hid in Christ (Col 3). The strange compulsion of the fire – quietly demanding action from us (woe unto me if I don't.....) and yet always respecting our free choice to obey (come, follow me....).

And yes - one of the great anti - apostasy speakers has now gone home for his reward, but what of America? Who is big enough now and will stand in the gap now and call out those who preach easy believism, flaky prophetic utterances, and weird signs and wonders? Who will stand against such things?

Look and wonder in your hearts for the Lord says:

Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time . But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. (Is 57:1)

It was a sudden and untimely death; seeming improper for one so esteemed in the body. Now as more and more of those who resist that which has invaded the churches are taken out of the way then the awaited sword will fall, and those who truly know their God need to pray. More than ever, now, pray for discernment - for an increase in evil is coming. A great falling away but great opportunity is also here to win the hearts of those who cast around desperately for truth and light as darkness increases.

David's ministry was WORLDWIDE and all in the churches worldwide need to understand and know how much of an influence this man had to resist the forces of evil. That influence is now greatly diminished and where now is the voice to call out repent, and expose evil in the pulpit? God has His servants and He will reveal them in their time - the fearless ones who will give His word and will count all loss for the honour of serving God in this hour.