Spinning in Circles, with the moon in our eyes

[Adhara]

Why was it that she always wound up in the Astronomy Tower?

It was where she had first met Michaela, where she'd gotten drunk on tequila with Ace, and where she'd had many a heart to heart with Zowan. An almost rueful half smile quirked on her lips as she remembered the day she, Michaela, and Brae had been attacked in the library by a random student who called the vampiress a monster and told Addie that she didn't deserve to be prefect. That night she'd been unable to sleep and had been brooding in the Astronomy Tower at Magic Horizons when Zowan had come in. That heart to heart remained one of her favorite memories of her favorite friend.

He would come, she could feel it in her bones.

She took a sideways perch in the deep set Astronomy tower window and from her perch the stars looked as if they stretched on for eternity. If she looked completely straight out, she could almost imagine that she was suspended among them, floating in a diamond studded night. Of course, the illusion was broken when she looked down and saw the silver light of the moon dusting the grounds in a bath of fairy dust.

The day had been unusually cold; a hint of the albeit mild winter to come, and the rough stone of the windowsill which Adhara sat upon was still slightly chilly despite the heat of the sun it had soaked in during the day. She needed Lance's earring tonight and was deeply thankful that she still had it after all these years. Her thick, navy blue, woolen cloak made her feel completely comfortable sitting out in her favorite silken emerald robes.

With a wistful smile, Adhara allowed her fingers to wander up and cradle the crescent moon charm which hung in between her collar bones. Rubbing her thumb over the smooth silver surface, she glanced out over the grounds and allowed her thoughts to wander.

[Zowan]

No number of cigarettes could possibly be enough to prepare him for this.

Zowan had always been fairly terrified of confrontation. This was only increased by his knowing that he'd wounded a friend in front of a complete stranger. He cursed himself in many creative ways (the army had taught him something, indeed) as he sucked down smoke desperately and climbed the staircase.

It occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be smoking there. It was lucky that Noemie had been making such brilliant progress, since he'd probably be sacked at any moment and it would be her time to ascend to Head Physician. While perhaps he could get a job sweeping staircases and chasing off other smokers, or something else that would make him a laughingstock for life. Thus his sense of poetic justice would be satiated, and he would be able to settle down into the life of a village idiot. These days, that was all he was really fit for.

Surprisingly, when he lifted his head from this reverie, which had calmed him far more than it probably should have, he was in the doorway across from Addie, framed by the window as she so often was. Zowan carelessly dropped his cigarette down the stone stairs behind him (it seemed the sort of joyride that was fitting for one about to lose his job) and took a few steps into the center of the room.

"Look, Addie, I'm sorry," he said without hesitation. "You really, really caught me by surprise and, sort of spilled information about me at a faster rate than I was planning to do so. And then I got all flooded with bad feelings and, I guess, acted like a dick, just because I was trying not to run away ... which sounds totally foolish." Zowan heaved a great sigh, and rubbed his hand over the back of his head as he looked around him, scanning for intruders into this suddenly humiliating situation.

"Look, you know I'm crazy, right?" he finally offered, the shadow of a sheepish grin on his face combined with a sort of grimace.

[Adhara]

It felt so weird to be back and honestly the brunette was not entirely sure why she'd come. But come she had and now she was tangled up in a myriad of things. Some of which she really didn't want to think about. There was some mental block preventing her from mulling over the situation that Tania had referred to. About Michaela and Hayzie. Mich was gone. Hayzie had always had a nose for trouble. There had to be some other explanation. There was no way it could be true. Unfortunately that thought did nothing to dissipate the worry gnawing in her stomach.

Thankfully her train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of her other problem.

Zowan had wounded her deeply that afternoon and it had been entirely uncharacteristic. Putting aside her hurt, it was obvious that something was wrong with her...former?...friend. She knew Zowan, she knew there had to be a reason as to why he had acted that way. And for him to act like that meant that something was wrong. However, after her reception, she doubted that he would want to confide in her about it.

She was so angry and hurt by that, but it had been entirely her fault. She'd interrupted him, she'd burst into their meeting with no thought for his privacy and she'd revealed his secrets. Of course it was her fault, it was always her fault. Why should now be any different?

Addie bit her lip and glanced down as his words washed over her. He shouldn't be apologizing, it should be her. Everything was always her fault. She just never did the right thing. She turned to face him and was horrified to find that tears were welling up in her eyes. Wincing a bit at this revelation and hoping that it was dark enough for him to not notice, she shook her head at him, "No Zo, it's not your fault. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't know that you were teaching and I really shouldn't have just burst in unannounced like that. Let alone allowing that to slip. I'm really sorry."

She glanced up at her old friend finally, hoping that her sincerity was obvious. She really did blame herself and she felt incredibly stupid. His next statement threw her for a second. He'd never announced that quite so bluntly in front of her, but she knew what she felt to be the truth.

"Zo, in a way everyone is," She slid off the window and walked towards him, "But to me you're Zowan. Always have been, always will be. Sorry."

She didn't sound sorry at all, however, and she stopped in front of him, tipping her head to the side as she took him in. It had been so long and she'd missed him so much. Her voice took on a more serious tone as she said, "Yes, I know that Zowan. But...I'm not judging you by it. It matters but at the same time it doesn't, if that makes any sense."

"I suppose I'm trying to say that I love you anyway," her lips quirked into a wry half smile; he probably would never know how true that statement was, "And I'm always here for when you need me. And at the same time, you're just my Zowan. Everyone has their problems. That's why they also have friends, to help them with those problems. Or at least some kind of cosmic attempt to make up for the problems in the first place."

Realizing she was rambling, she quickly shut her mouth and glanced down again, her fingers twining back into the contours of her pendant.

[Zowan]

As Addie rambled, a slow grin spread across Zowan's face. By the time she stopped speaking, and - was that a faint blush, perhaps? - he was full-on smiling at her. "OK, good, that's the good stuff. We're both sorry because we accidentally acted like assholes to each other. All better. No problem. Hug!" A few steps closed the distance, and Zowan wrapped his friend up in a bear hug and swung her back and forth for a moment.

Hugging was so satisfying when he was hugging a real person. So he allowed himself to savor the feeling, and thought back over the times that he and Addie had spent together. There was so much he didn't understand about her, but that was true of all his friends. Zowan didn't particularly understand human beings in general. Addie, however, had always been trickier to decipher. He never knew what was going to happen next. There was something refreshing about this aspect of her, and he looked forward in a certain poignant way to the verbal sparring that he knew would come. Zowan hugged Addie tightly, feeling incredibly blessed by friendship.

"See, that's awesome," he mumbled. "It's a good sentiment. No matter what happens, I'll love you anyway, too. So, no hard feelings? I really am sorry that I acted like a dickwad." This was punctuated by a light punch landing on her shoulder.

[Adhara]

Addie removed her fingers from her pendant just in time to avoid them being crushed when Zowan swept her up in an enormous bear hug. Giggling, she wrapped her arms around him and nearly shrieked when he swung her around. But when he finally set her down and held her properly, she felt an entirely new sensation.

Desire.

It swept through her so quickly that she barely had time to register its appearance but there was no doubt that she was incredibly attracted to one of her oldest friends. The realization took her by surprise oddly enough, despite the fact that she had known for years that she loved him. They always had a special, deep affection. Of course she'd found him physically attractive but she'd never felt this spark before.

And if felt so good.

Suddenly breathless and afraid that her knees were going to give out, she gratefully leaned into him as both a means of support and in an attempt to get even closer. She hid her face in his neck, hoping to conceal the blush that she was certain was spreading across her countenance.

Oh gods she was trembling.

Then she realized he was speaking again, mumbling into her hair as he held her. Once again, tears pricked her eyes as he said he'd love her too. It was like a physical blow, hearing him say that and knowing that all he saw in her was a friend or a sister. But if that was the way it had to be and those were the roles that would enable her to enrich his life then she'd take it. No matter how much more she wanted.

"No, no hard feelings Zo. We were both dickwads," despite being pressed into the fabric of his shirt, her lips quirked into a small smile. Merlin help her, she was acting like a bloody idiot. She hoped he hadn't noticed anything. It would be incredibly awkward, especially considering that she would never be of any romantic interest to him. The thought stung painfully and her chest tightened along with her grip on him.

Thankfully, her reverie was broken by Zowan punching her on the shoulder. She took a half step back, mourning the loss of body contact briefly before mock-glaring up at him, "Ouch! You great doof. That hurt! And here I was going to forgive you!"

She stuck her tongue out at him before punching him right back, "I'm just as real as you are, despite being a woman, and that bloody well hurt."

It hadn't, not physically at least. But the gesture was one a guy would use on close male friends, not someone whom he viewed as a potential love interest. The punch hurt more because it proved to her exactly where she stood in his mind. She could never interest him and frankly, he was far too good for her. Trying to push aside her depressing thoughts, she made an attempt to smile up at him, "I've missed you so much, Zo. What have you been doing? How have you been?"

Unable to help herself, she closed the distance between them again and wrapped her arms around him in an attempt to reassure herself that he really was there with her. It almost felt like a dream.

[Zowan]

Zowan was shocked and displeased at her reaction to his gesture. He practically leapt backwards when Adhara claimed that he'd hurt her, and a slight frown settled upon his lips. Unconsciously, his fingertips probed the flip-top that would reveal his cigarettes to his eager touch. This was exactly the sort of thing that always stressed him out when he was in her presence: these outbursts that he could never understand, the way she sometimes seemed to accuse him for something he wasn't sure he'd actually done. His knuckles burned slightly, an unpleasant feeling, because those knuckles knew what it felt like to hit somebody for real, although he had never, would never hit a woman that way. Especially not a woman he considered a friend.

"Please," he managed, "don't joke like that." 'Not funny. Not a joke.' But his words were quiet, overrun by Adhara's questions. Her arms felt like an invasion as they closed around him again, and he managed to control his instinct to get out of the situation entirely. Gently loosening one of her arms from around him, the fingers of his other hand extending nimbly into his shirt pocket, he said, "I'm gonna steal your window seat. For ventilation purposes." He didn't light the cigarette until he was folded into the window sill, his long legs tucked awkwardly in front of him, too big of a man in too small a space. His left hand dangled languidly in the open air outside after he'd taken his initial drag, and he aimed his exhalation gracefully toward the outdoors. The tension in his body relented almost imperceptibly.

"I've been in a mental hospital," he said in answer to the woman's question. Zowan's eyes settled on an indiscriminate point in the branches of a tree where a light seemed to shine. Another drag, eyes closed, let it all assimilate with his lungs before exhaling half a wisp of nothing. "Not doing all that well for a while." Drag. "But getting better." The smoke burst out with his words and made itself part of the trees.

[Adhara]

Feeling as if she'd been slapped, Adhara passively allowed her arms to be disentangled from from him and stepped back, still in shock. Apparently she would have to watch her tongue very carefully. Once again, it was all her stupid fault. She hadn't meant to hurt him, she'd been joking. But he was right, the joke wasn't funny at all.

While he awkwardly folded himself into the window bench, she hung her head and wrapped her arms around herself, not because she needed the warmth but because she needed the comfort. She was shaking slightly and allowed her legs to fold beneath her, sinking onto the flagstone floor. Her lips trembled but she refused to cry. Drawing a shaky breath she composed herself and looked up when he spoke.

That explained a lot. But how should she respond? She seemed to be making everything worse with him when all she wanted to do was to make it better. Or at least let him know that she wasn't constantly trying to hurt him like it seemed. He vaguely reminded her of abused animals she'd come across, ones who required delicate handling.

"Zo, I'm sorry, it was just a joke." Not a very funny one. She winced and continued, thinking that perhaps an apology was the best she could do, "I didn't mean it like...I'm just sorry, it wasn't funny at all."

She ducked her head and allowed the seconds to stretch on, feeling her heart thud inside of her. She watched the breeze blow little bits of sand and debris across the stones of the floor, watched as they got caught in the cracks. She tried to collect her thoughts and form them into something coherent and meaningful but failed utterly.

They were both broken.

"Tell me about it?" She asked, the request barely more than a whisper.