I have a family crisis that is eating me up. I need wise advice to help me see the pros and cons of how I should act. I cannot consult family members because everyone is either biased or doesn't want to be involved. I got the view of my one close female friend, but need more views. Any suggestions of where I can turn for help solving this? I cannot afford counseling and there likely isn't time for that anyway. My father's health is fading.

Are you needing advice on how to handle or deal with your father's fading health? What to do?

No, my stepmother is tending to his health. I have been estranged from my father for a bit. He hurt me terribly. My affection for him makes me think I should visit him before he goes, but years of him hurting me, and his obvious distaste for me make me feel rage and hurt at the idea of going and sitting with him with a smile on my face. I'm torn apart over this.

There's no reason you need to go there & "sit" with a "smile" on your face. It will be up to you to do what you will be content with.

Where is your Dad's health.... Is he bedridden?

I would go just to say "BYE"! Without the smile!! People who hurt their children are pretty undeserving of anything. I have no soft spot for people who are so cruel.

This is hard to deal with...sometimes we just have to remove ourselves from people that hurt us. But you do still feel a sense of duty as well as one of self preservation.

I always think if only...if I'd done this would things have been different. Will you feel that you have done the right thing if you go and find comfort in that later?

That is a really hard situation.

I think that you have to do what will sit best with your consience. Can you live with yourself if you don't go and say goodbye? Or would this be a chance for closure for the hurt he has caused you?

Good luck whatever you decide.

I just don't know.

According to his wife, he's not sick and on his death bed at this moment, but he's 90 years old and she says everything is failing and she suggested I plan a visit soon.

I don't think there can be closure about what he has said to me. I tried talking it out with him before and he just got annoyed with me for what he saw as a bunch of unneccessary chatter. His wife got annoyed with me because she doesn't know about the hurtful calls, etc he made to me over the years and thinks I'm the one who brought all of this up out of the blue.

Today I am feeling stressed enough to have a physical pain that is actually stress induced.

If you go, go with no expectation of closure or an apology, just a visit to your ailing father. Don't go expecting anything to be different and then it will be your win as you are bigger than all the hurt he has caused you, you are past it to the point you can visit and be pleasant. I don't think he can recognize his wrong.

Kim,
There have been times when I have wanted to be frank with family members but have not wanted to deal with the repercussions of doing so. Instead I have written them letters in which I am absolutely honest about how I feel towards them. I do not mail the letters. I have felt greatly relieved after writing down what I would like to say. This is a tough situation. I'm sorry for the stress in your life.

Pam

Kim....If it was me, I think that I would feel worse if I did not go. But as was said, go with the idea that no big issues are to be brought up and no expectations kind of thing. How far away is he? Is it a far way or can you go for the day and visit for half hr-hr kind of thing? Maybe make yourself a 'speech' as to what you want to say to him.....I have lost alot of family members in the past 7-10yrs and the things I regret are the things I did not do...like visiting or saying something....
If you go, what is the worst case scenario? Can you live with that better than not to see him? Just be sure you can live with your decision....
There comes a time sometimes in our lives when we just need to let certain family members go.....I don't mean to death I mean out of our lives if things are just not good.
A very hard thing to do....
Try to just make a decision and let it go.....
Diane

I guess all I can do is see if the answer of going or not falls on me from the sky. I know if I go there that there can be no talking things through. I will just have to go and act like everything is ok. I don't know how to weigh being the bigger person against the resentment I will feel at playing the loving daughter.

I haven't talked to him in over a year and half. I stopped talking to him and just stuck him on the back burner because it just caused me too much aggravation. I don't think he has a clue how much he does hurt me when he says the things he does.

He has a wicked tongue and cuts me to bits. I think underneath I blamed myself all the way up until a couple of years ago when I realized that what he said to me at my mother's funeral means that it is him that is a lunatic and not me. I had stayed with my mother almost 24 hours a day for a year while she slowly, and miserably died. It as very tiring emotionally and physically. We had the memorial service about a month after her death. He came to "comfort" me. I told him how awful my mother's slow, miserable death was and that I was tired out. He gave a speech to me about how I was mentally abnormal and didn't handle things like normal people because anyone else would have been over it by then.