Dear Relationships:

I really want to ask out this Guy/ Girl/ Houseplant, but I dunno how!

Try asking them out. It's not hard, and you'll get a lot further asking them then a bunch of dudes on a forum.

I have this friend that is Suicidal/ On Drugs/ Raping Kittens/ Drinking and Driving/ Whatever, and I want to get them to stop!

Getting other people to do what you want is pretty fucking hard and with serious issues like drugs, alcoholism, suicide and shit like that, we're not really qualified to help! Even if someof us are Teachers, psychologists, doctors, or whatnot, there's no possible way for us to assist you to the extent that a liscensed and trained professional could, in person.

I have this weird rash...

Stop sucking your cat off and go see a doctor. As stated above, we're not qualified to help you, and even if we were, it's akin to getting car advice from navy cooks. Not functionally accurate in any sense of the word.

How do I talk to a girl/ guy/ Family Pet that I really really like?

Try opening your mouth?

I am a nice person, and I think mean people should die.

Your rhetoric only makes my penis harder. Troll somewhere else.

Your help isn't very helpful

Inaction on your part does not create opportunities on our part. 99% of your problems can be fixed by simply doing something about it. Life is hard, we all know it. It's harder when you don't do shit about it. Asking for a different perspective, advice, maybe a different point of view is fine and acceptable, but ultimately, the one who decides what happens in your life is you... even when you don't decide. Make a choice, act, and move on.

I think Allah is awesome.

So do I. B)

+++++++++++++++++

I was bored on my lunch break. Anyone wanna add to this?

I stand by all of this even the parts that would get me arrested \o

If I could just get you to stop asking for advice on how to seduce your sister(s) I would be able to sleep at night.

Bastard.

I'm seeing her this weekend, she has promised me the use of her hot asian room mate, it will be glorious \o

The Korean girl? Tell me how my dick tastes, because I've had her too~

The things you know about my life always worry me a tad ._.

Well, if you helped out around the house more like your mom always says, maybe she wouldn't complain to me so much. :lol:

and thus the Relationships board was closed.....maybe we can open a Quiznos in it's place now??

I figure Wild, Sender, and even maybe Saydrah might be able to add a few more things that I've missed.

Maybe we could all collaborate on an essay: How to Cowboy The Fuck Up.

You left out "Which sexual partner should I bang?"

Adulus the correct answer is "all."

And Nestor I'll be happy to collaborate on that essay with y'all... after I get through this next batch of graduate school work. But another night when I'm hyped up on Red Bull and this close to an aneurysm, but not having to worry about... I dunno, my degree program, I'll step up. As it is, I think you know well my theory since we're of the same design (just different presentation). I'll mull and see if there's anything you left out... but that seems like a good list so far.

I think though we could do better than an essay. I'm thinking one of those generic relationship books people buy up, do some of those tours giving fortune cookie advice, make a lot of money, and then blow it all on booze.

errrAAGGGH ... why have I been summoned?? B)

You forgot the most important question of all time, the enigma that has troubled men around the world, the very key to a long life of happiness and bliss: How do you get a girl to take it up the ass on the first date? Without it turning into the Sodom Rodeo ofcourse.

Tell her you're gay, but you want to try women and you will need to bang her in the ass first in order to feel more comfortable, then you'll move on to vagina later.


Yeah, that'll work.

And I think we could all write a book, I wouldn't mind.

One point I'll elaborate on is that: You are the master of your own destiny. No one is going to walk into your life and confess their love for you. You have to make it happen. Go out there and get it. Sometimes we are thrown into situations or people are sent into our lives, and that may be fate (which I personally don't believe in), but that can only get you so far. You need to take action. Be the mover. Even if you don't get what you want, you still have that experience, and if you do it right, a story.

Do you know how many times I strike out talking to a chick? Probably more often then you guys, because I talk to a lot of chicks. I just put myself out there. If I hook up, great, if I strike out, I make it into a story.

You only have one life guys, live it. Live by the Mark Twain quote:
"In 20 years you will be more dissapointed by the things you didn't do then by the ones you did."

You all should make a short film, a documentary if you will.

As a matter of fact, I can think of a couple things to add:

My boyfriend is a jerk, so was my last boyfriend, and the boyfriend before that, and now I'm cheating on him with this new guy and I'm afraid he might be a jerk too so I don't want to leave the jerk for him before I know for sure (repeat times infinity).

What is the one constant in each relationship you have described?

Guys that are like total jerks!

Wrong. You are in every relationship you have described. To paraphrase either Franklin or Einstein depending on who you ask, the definition of insanity is dating the same guy over and over and expecting different results. If you keep going for the same thing, you'll keep getting the same thing. You're probably attracted to a certain type for various subconscious, conscious, and possibly Freudian reasons; but those don't matter. The way to break the cycle is this: Next time, end the relationship with a clean break rather than finding someone else before the end, and then go ask a guy out who you normally would never go after- clearly, your tastes are flawed and leading you to miserable relationships, so ignore that first spark of chemistry in favor of the nice fella who smiles at you in the hallway and give it a shot- you might just like the way he treats you enough to make up for him not having that haircut you like or listening to the same music you do.

I had a fantasy about this girl I know. It was really hot and I am so confused now. Am I a lesbian?

Maybe, but if you have to ask that question after about age twelve, it's fairly unlikely. You're probably just human like the rest of us, and as a human, fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve of human sexuality. Very few people are truly one hundred percent heterosexual or one hundred percent homosexual for their entire lives; nearly everyone has had at least one crush or persistent fantasy about the sex they aren't normally attracted to. You don't need to label yourself to know who you are. Feel free to either ignore the fantasy or go to some dyke bars and explore that side of yourself- just don't agonize over it or declare that you are bisexual on the basis of one or two girl crushes or fantasies.

This guy really wants me to go on a date with him/fuck him in the ass/wash his cat/do his homework and I really don't want to. How can I tell him no without hurting him?

You probably can't, but that is his problem, not yours. This message is brought to you by the letters 'n' and 'o.' Use them liberally and don't feel guilty about it.

I don't want a relationship, just sex, but I'm afraid of being called a slut. What to do?

Have sex, and make it clear beforehand that you don't want any committment. Use a condom and another backup method such as the Pill or the Shot. Choose boys who are sexually experienced and not in relationships, and for Pete's sake do NOT do virgins or married men, unless you want the entire town to hear about it. Choose your partners while sober and fairly stress free, and have a short talk before the clothes come off. By talk, I mean one or two sentences: "I want to have no-strings attached sex with you, but let's get two things clear first: one, we are not dating and I don't expect any committment from you, so you shouldn't expect it from me, and two, please show maturity and respect for me by keeping this quiet. Nobody needs to know besides us." If he can't agree to that, find another partner- believe me, as a woman who wants to have NSA sex with men, there will be no shortage of options.

I hate my body. Guys won't date me because my boobs are too small and I have a little fat on my tummy.

Are you truly obese? If you're not sure, check your body mass index. If so, get thee to a doctor and develop a weight loss plan- obesity can kill you later in life, and it's important to attack it from a health perspective rather than for your looks.

If not, guys probably aren't ignoring you because of your imperfect body- they're ignoring you because low self esteem is like a festering wound: Nobody wants to touch it except crazy people. Take some time to yourself and quit worrying about men while you learn to love and accept your looks. Develop good posture, learn to dress to accentuate your best features, dab on a little makeup- but do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Then recognize that nobody is perfect, and your confidence and flaws will get you farther in life than having a perfect body and hating yourself.

I have a weird fetish. How do I find other people like me?

Google.

My boyfriend/girlfriend/carnivorous plant has a weird fetish. How do I make them get rid of it?

You don't, and trying to do so ensures that the Karmic Laws of Kink will bite you in the ass soon. If you can't handle their fetish and they can't handle life without it, either give them permission to get what they want elsewhere or break it off and let them find someone more accepting.

Ooh! I got two.

I'm a nice guy, why don't women like me but they like that asshole who doesn't care about them?

It's because the asshole knows what he wants and he goes for it with confidence. Nice guys think they can't touch a breast without getting slapped. You have to go out there, take what's yours and have no regrets.

Also, assholes are never "safe." Women won't feel secure enough to confide in him, so he keeps his edge of mystery, which turns women on. He also shows a certain amount of disinterest towards her, whic hmakes her want to make him want her.

I'm an asshole, but I feel bad when I break hearts. How do I avoid breaking hearts?

You avoid breaking hearts by being honest. HONESTY is key. Make your intentions clear and flat out tell each girl what you want and expect. Tell her you're not going to date her (or if you want to, state so) and leave no stone unturned. Spell things out for women so they can't twist your words later.

If you do that, and you break her heart because she thinks you're being coy and playing hard to get when you spell it out for her, then that's not your fault. Let her stew in her misery, you did nothing to deserve it. You were honest and upfront and it was her own vanity that forced her to believe otherwise.

If you tell a girl you love her just to have your way with her, you're a fucking scum bag.

:blink:

My guy/girl/houseplant has a different religion than I do and my parents don't like that they don't believe in the same god as me, how can I convert my parents or my other without fucking the proverbial horse?

You don't. They either get used to it, or you don't bring your other around the rents' or you break up if you can't be that tolerant without mommy and real mommy and daddy and other daddy-with-the-leather-mask-on's approval. Or just don't get caught it a theological conversation ever again.

Nestor, there's this boy I like named Zachary Lim. Whenever I try to make out with him (usually with excuses like "It's x days after Valentine's, it's not too late, get over here and make out with me you asian fucker"), but he just starts cracking up then kicks me for a while.

Whenever I try touching his moob, he twists my nipples and headbutts me. When I regain consciousness and go in to hug it out, we hug it out, but if I try anything else, he punches my belly.

What do I do?

Snoogy: Ruffie-colada.

Chloroform?

Plastic bag over head?

I dunno, stop using lame-ass excuses adn tell him you want his sausage tucked between your buns? Fuck man, I dunno.

I prefer the sock full of quarters, myself. Also effective on laundry day! :lol:

That's multitasking right there.

Knock bitch out - check.
Toss in car - check.
Go wash blood off shirt - check.

Aight, I'mma lock this.

B)

Reopened and cleaned topic.

Ask away. Spam will be punished.

I think I remember ripping on Snoogy a lot in the old days but his quantity of win has substantially increased for some time now.

So now, you can either ask the girls, or ask the guys.

PS- The guys advice is filled with more win and awesome and a 99% probability to get laid, where-as the girls advice will have you buying tampons at Kroger and being the one she cries to about the loser she's fucking while leading a lonely pining existence that turns you into Eva.

The choice is clear.

It occours to me that we've already covered most of the topics asked generically.

But, we'll still accomodate.

Snoogy, maybe he's not into dudes?

If he is, maybe he doesn't like you.

I mean, I'm into chicks, doesn't mean I'll hook up with ugly, fat chicks (sober). Maybe he views you as the equivalent of an ugly fat chick.

So..uh...try getting him drunk?

Or just sneak up on him. Remember:

I'm staying in this thread and demanding to be one of the guys.

*sits in Saydrah's lap*

Second.

Denied darlin'. You know as much as I love your ass, you don't have the physical requirements to be giving out advice in this thread, especially since we went all Equal Opportunity and gave you your own. Now run along and play with your dolls *pats Say's ass* atta girl.

;)

*Saydrah cops a feel while Lori's sitting there anyway

Nah, we're not moving. Our e-penises are larger than your real ones. We just won't jump into topics that really do require a lot of testosterone to answer, but my masterful Q&A post is here, so I'm staying.

Woman, don't make me pimp slap you ;)

At least not in front of the youngins. They ain't ready for it yet.

Hey now, I'm sure she wants forplay first...

Slapping IS foreplay for me, baby.

*Saydrah eyebrow waggles

As long as it's in the right place.

Like I said, the kids ain't ready for this yet.

Ready for what? Ten to one they probably saw porn harder then this..