Recently a High School student got arrested for making a list ranking the girls at his school for hotness among other things.
I think he deserves an award for making me laugh. I couldn't find the orginal with pictures graphs and shit, but here is the list proper.
Subject: OAK PARK RIVER FOREST “THE LIST”
1. New Queen: Sophia sometimes has an attitude that makes you want to kill, but everything’s else about her is 100% lovable. With amazing legs, a great ass and rack, it’s not hard to see why she is this year’s number one. Her overall great appearance would cause a homosexual hell bound paraplegic to get a woody.
2. Goddess: Almost everything about Elizabeth is heavenly, yes even her aroma. She is rank at #2, but the numbers and the votes put her and the queen neck and neck, so you can decide. But if you decide in her favor, don’t let the queen find out because you don’t want to see her eye brows get angry.
3. Frogger: Ella lost both her dignity and virginity, when she became a real life Desdemona and decided she wanted THE BIG BLACK COCK. Whose?, you might ask. Well…
4. Fallen Angel: A #4 spot was a controversial decision based on men’s opinion. But I am a firm believer in the saying “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” and the saying “34 Ds make up for any amount of cellulite”. No she isn’t # 1, but she an amazing blond with a “TOP 5” body. But her relationship with Joe and dubious acts, may be something a great rack can’t help you look past.
5. Pony Mouth: Morgan does have an uncannily wide mouth, but with an amazing body shape and a great head of hair, she can add “Top 5 Sexiest” in the grade to her traits, along with her love for eating hay. And with an ass that continues to impress and good stock it’s no surprise she got the votes to be a new Top Fiver.
6. The Unexpected: Carolina has had the greatest List success story of all time. Her beauty has been compared to Annie Morgan’s weight because both seem to continue to rise. Last year, she was a metal mouthed nobody, who people laughed at when she was in pain. But she came out of no where, got her braces off, pulled a Cannon, and developed and Amazing rack. Add that to a great body and Taylor Swift-like hair and you have a new work of art to behold. She won this year’s “Most Improved” by a landslide, receiving almost 90% of the votes. So I speak for all heterosexual men in the grade, when I say thank you for your breast that give us erections and congratulations.
7. Casey Jr.: No one really cares the Sazi dated a 19 year-old Serbian over the summer, (who probably received more BJs than Tiger). No one really cares that now she dates a freshmen (who probably receives more BJs than Tiger). It’s just so damn hard to keep up with. But I’m going to go out on the limb and blame her mom, Casey. What can you expect from Sazi, if she doesn’t have a positive female to look up to.
8. The Designated Drunk: Margo is in 2 “Top 5” categories in the grade: sexiest and hardest partier. Her sex stories involving Dylan leave all guys at the same party she is with watering mouths of expectations. But, luckily for her, with the addition of Kimber to the list she no longer holds the title of dumbest, though votes did put her at a close 2ed. But with a an underrated great ass, stellar gymnast body, and nice tan legs she doesn’t need to be smart and a “Top 10” spot is clear.
9. Little Miss Sunshine: For almost every chick on the list you can find a least 1 bad thing to say. But, Zoë is somewhat of an exception. Besides the fact that she’s still rocking the 32A bra there nothing to complain about. She has a subtle, but well deserved sense of arrogance and doesn’t have any pertruding fat on her body. She seems to be an OK woman
10. The Commentator: Katherine is the perfect prototypical wife. She’s hot, smart, knows more about sports than any other girl in the school and has a father who owns a restaurant that specializes in meat. But her very gaudy potty mouth and acute knowledge of sports can sometimes leave you grabbing your crotch to make sure your the man and she’s not just a very hot one.
11. Jungle Fever: Casey is a modern day Jim Jones and getting more and more girls to drink the Casey Cool-Aid. But with a history of penis sucking and having sex in school showers, the world is a somewhat better place if more girls come out like her. Her super-natural influence is not to be mocked, but to be respect and envied. Now only if we could get her to reform all prude girls in some sort of “Slut Summit” the world could be a Utopia.
12. Giraffe: Annie’s new high rank was more clear than questionable. Her great rack and nice ass starting to form made it no surprise that voter wanted her up. Now the question is with Mr. Deck out of the picture who will bing a ladder and step up to the plate.
13. Feminist Gymnast: Elizabeth is easily the most conservative hot girl in the grade. Even with a sweater and jeans on something about her causes your eyes to go where she goes. It is theorized that she has read 1/2 of the books in the Library of Congress, and has walked over 1000 miles to support the silly rights of women. But her amazing gymnast body gives men something to look forward to before being shredded. Though for the past year we’ve been lucky to see less and less of the feminist and more and more of the fox whose come to realize that every man wants to come in her hole. Ha
14. The Tailgate: Rachel is considered “The Tailgate” for 2 reasons. 1. she has an amazing ass for her size and 2. she always seems to follow behind higher in-crowders, like Morgan. Though unlike most of people in her group, she doesn’t seem to switch partners like swing dancers and she doesn’t have an open history of being a raging alcoholic.
15. McBody: Nina didn’t get the votes this year to make a 2 year “Top 10” appearance and some men called for her to be lower. But, with a great rack, ass, and easily “TOP 5” bodies in the grade, anything lower than 15 was out of the question. Yes, her face used to be more sought after, but with an everlasting smell of chick-nuggets, Brennan is still a man to be envied. Except for what he has accomplished in the bed room and his NAZI hair cut.
16. The Feline: It’s been established that Ryen looks like a cat, it has been established that she has a nice rack. And through investigations it’s been established that with the right amount of persistence you can make her do anything. If you need any further proof, just ask Connor Dec, who supposedly “made” her give him a hand job. Further investigations from Paul never took place, but it’s safe to assume old habits die hard and Sir Paul McShadeball had the luxury of getting what he wanted also.
17. Casey III: One of the biggest debates of this year’s list was deciding who is better: Kelly H. or Kelly B.. The votes showed no clear winner and the numbers put them neck and neck. So both have the same overall score and good stock. So take it upon yourself and decide, but take this into consideration: for the past 2 years Kelly H. has gotten progressively better. But this year seems to be the year she has come to the knowledge that she has. You could see her confidence rise as her dresses and shorts got shorter. I give credit to her mom Casey. And if Casey could some how use her powers to help Kelly develop Cannons, both would praised from a “Top 10” seat.
18. Belcaster’s pinkberry: One of the biggest debates of this year’s list was deciding who is better: Kelly B. or Kelly H.. The votes showed no clear winner and the numbers put them neck and neck. So both have the same overall score and good stock. So take it upon yourself and decide, but take into consideration that coming into OPRF Kelly started off as just cute but sophomore year became a breakout year as she began to move from cute to sexy. She died her hair, developed a nice ass, and all round great body. She’s not the smartest of the bunch, but she should be respected more for her honesty. She’s 1 of the few girls to admit to actually taking part in sexual relations. Leaving most guys to envy Jack, well besides his height.
19. Blond Bombshell: Katie is one of the best looking girls and blondes in the grade. No she isn’t at goddess level, but she does soar over a great deal of competition. She combines a great head of hair with a fantastic body, and a smile that could bring light to even the darkest ghetto, to her overall sexy appearance. She has been compared to Blake Lively, who plays Serena Vander-Woodson in the CW’s hit show Gossip Girl, which is great compliment. XOXO
20. The Face: No, Mikaela isn’t a cunning member of the A Team, but she was given her nickname for a better reason. She was voted to have the best face in the grade and the only girl to receive a 10 in that category. She has always been hot with one of the best faces in the grade, but for a while that was it. But, that idea has become a thing of the past. Unlike most girls who have gained weight, she has gained it in the best possible way. A way that is pleasing to every man and a way that caused her named to be brought up for “Most Improved”. She’s improving at a steady rate, and many think she has a chance at C Cups and at that point a “Top 5” position wouldn’t be out of the question.
21. Thunder Thighs: Celeste no longer has to share the school with another good looking female Reynes. Which would seem to be good, but her sister was smokin hot. Though she’s not a size 0, she’s better than many others. She gives a good name to the more voluptuous girls in the grade…. not you Heather. Ha
22. The Hangover: Audrey holds 2 records in “The Guinness Book of World Records”: 5th Tallest living 17 year-old female and most dicks sucked consecutively in one night. But once you get past her Lindsay Lohan alcoholism, and her Allen-Tilotson extreme dumbass syndrome (EDS) , it’s not hard to realize how good she looks and her model potential.
23: THE Amazing Bisexual: Haley has her good days and her bad days, but on the goods days you realize she pretty hot and has one of the nicest bodies in the grade. Though we seem to see more bad days lately. She is not only an amazing bisexual, but also an amazing entertainer. She was voted funniest chick in the grade (imagine the funniest guy in the grade, except he looses 80% of his funniness) and almost every day last year you could catch her 7th period show, where she would openly make out with a female in the hallway. I will say it was impressive and all the audience enjoyed it, but she has a long way to go before she becomes the next Ellen DeGeneres. Step 1: getting hotter pinkberryes. Step 2: become funny, not woman funny, but funny funny.
24. Fished Faced Gook: Ada is the first Asian (Zipper Head) to ever be on the list. But she’s not your typical Gook. She has a nice ass, huge rack, and takes idiot math with coons. So as you can see not all stereotypes are true, though a lot are because I’m pretty sure she reeks of Wasabi sauce. You can also add to her list of uncharacteristic traits the fact that she hangs out with some of the ghettoest girls in the grade, not to mention the smelliest. But besides all that she’s The List’s only and best looking Asian and kudos for being the only Jr. to make Varsity Cheer.
25. Chicago Navajo: Annie is not only the first girl to drop 20+ spots on The List, she is also the 1st cannibal. We all know the saying “You are what you eat” and we know she eats Mike. It’s easy to imagine Annie yelling at Mike to break all types of traffic laws, because she has fear she will miss out on the limited time only McRib. Yea, she has put on a few pounds since McDonalds came out with the Angus Third Pounder, but all her beauty wasn’t lost and easily still deserves a spot. Though she’s not in as good of company as the grades “Top 10”, she will make new friends in the “I’m not fat, but fluffy” group with girls like Caroline and Sophie . But these girls can be grateful for the circle of life. Because, although they get looked down on, they can look down at Heather, who looks straight at Shannon.
26. The Kyke: Allie could really fool you. Catching a glimpse a her fat ass, nice body, and social relations with minorities, one might think she was Italian. But then you look at the bigger picture it becomes clear. RoFo chick, A in math, and nice car with the license plate that says “Money Hoarder” and it becomes clear the she’s Jewish. And you might ask who care if she’s Jewish. And I respond by saying “C’mon, Be real”.
27. The Beauty: You look at Sarafina you automatically think she is good looking. But besides beauty, there is much more to behold. She’s pitched a perfect game on sophomore level softball (what a joke; c’com it’s women’s softball). And since you can’t change a zebra stripes, we can assume she is still skilled at getting drunk and stripping down to her underwear.
28. Rhino: With constant high pressure systems moving in and out of the Mid-West, there is always a chance of rain. So with that fun fact in mind, it’s not a bad idea to be anywhere with Emma. Because it just might rain and you can always stay dry under that HUGE JEWISH NOSE. Good Grief! But, if you don’t mind ducking every time she turns around and look beyond that HUGE JEWISH NOSE you have a good looking JEWISH woman. She has a nice rack, legs, ass, and seeming year long tan. She is also a stud on the diamond. But c’mon, it’s still WOMEN’S softball. WAT A john teshING JOKE.
29. Midget Madness: Renata has a small build and many fail to realize her thickness. Her height also gives off a certain innocent nature about her. You would never think a kid like her would get totally smacked and make-out with 4 guys at a New Year’s Party. Some of the hook-ups were recorded and put up on Porn Hub under the name: “Midget Madness; Tales of the Little john tesher”.
30. The Mermaid: The demanding sport of swimming has had a good effect on Hannah and the benefits are becoming clear to a lot of people. With a more toned core her bountiful breast demand more attention. She was nice hair and investigations show a great deal of hair where you wouldn’t want it.
31. AP Special ED: It was surprising that guys actually had to think for a while if Kimber actually deserved to be on the list. My theory was they just never got a good look at the new modified version of her. And all they thought about was the girl who stares aimlessly in hall and wonders where babies come from. She is the first girl ever to make a first time List appearance and automatically lead a category (Dumbest). But she has been greatly improved and the loss of the braces and the development of a very nice ass is what got her the OK for this year’s List. Her new found beauty not only out weighs her AP Special ED status, but also got her name brought up for “Top 10” bodies. Though she has improved there is nothing more annoying than seeing her every day with all of those Cliff Apes, Jigaboos, Glorified Gorillas, and Chicago Navajo Coons.
32. Betty Big Guns: Caroline seems to be good friends with Morgan and Rachel, but always being around them doesn’t make her look any skinnier, though it does do good things for them. Some voters wanted her completely taken off the List, just because she may have become a little portly. But they were forgetting to consider a key element, which was: she has Massive Breast. And even with a bit of a rotund core, you can still appreciate their superiority. Considering that and the fact that her face is reasonably consistent to enjoy a spot of the list is clear.
33. Pooh Bear: Even with a cute face and figure Catie’s quiet nature causes her to be some what forgotten. But no one can forget a girl who shares the same face with one of greatest animated bears of all time.
34. The Jester: With or without braces, Celeste has a smile that can light up a room. But without is much better. With or without makeup, she still has a cute face, and it seems she has started to go with a great deal less. Leaving us to see more of her and less of the Maybeline. But the guy whose seen the most of her is truly a person to be envied. The guy is Patrick her boyfriend. Investigations proved they have sex multiple times.
35. The Witch: Like Caroline, Megan also received votes to be taken of the List. But unlike Caroline, Megan received a good number of votes to put her in the “Top 10” bodies in the grade. And in the end voters did decide because she does have an underrated nice ass, perky breast, a firm core, and no purtruding fat portions, her overall great body does out weigh a less than mediocre face. Some say she lost a lot of her beauty when she battled depression after she flunked out of Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her trademark saying since then is “Grumpity, grumpity, gru. Your blood will make my stu!”
36. The Jew: Julia is #3 in the band “Jew Man Group”. It stars lead singer Allie “The Kyke” Zelby, Emma “Rhino” Forman as the drummer, and Julia sings backup. The band never produced any money, so it fail miserably and all 3 walked away sad. But life goes on, and though Julia has fell in recent years her stocks up and she’s starting to make Mike Vick. From eating red gelatin of a prison floor to killing dogs and defenses with unpredictable passes and slippery quick runs. And in her case from Mid 30s to feasibly high 20s.
37. The Rack: Mary is one of the few new additions to the list that no one seems to have a problem with. News of her delightful rack, think ass, and nice dancer body has spread throughout the halls of OPRF. Leaving many to ask the question: “Who the hell is Mary?”.
38. CANNONS: Everyone knows Emily has huge breast that seemed to grow in one day and that it’s very ironic that her last name is Cannon. But a question arose about Emily. “Is she more than a pretty chest?”. And the surveyed showed a lot of guys don’t think there is a lot more besides big breast. Then another question arose “What would you do with those breast?”. You can come with your own answer, but those Cannons have secured Emily a spot on the List for as long as it exists.
39. Innocence: Kaya is not going wow you with huge breast or fat ass, but her face could make up for it. Her nice tan non-cellulite legs are also a good addition. The fact that she has a really hot mom could give you something to look forward to and puts her in an even better situation.
40. Russian Roulette: I always wondered if Svetlana was in the “in-crowd” would she be hotter. We know she would be more whorish and a drunkard, but hotter may never be proven. Though some men might say those 2 qualities alone make her hotter. In any case, regardless of the crowd she’s in her tits are still uncannily perky and truthfully that’s all that matter. Well that, and face particularly which is also a good quality of hers.
41. Thing 1&2: Aren’t twins who look almost same technically the same person. A survey proved together they’re a fantasy but by themsevles they’re not even a wet deam.
42. Ms. Chokesondick: I don’t know who is dumber. Carly or her parents. Lets weigh it out. Her parents adopted a mud blooded wet back and tried to civilize her by giving her the last name Jones and also let her play a brutally dangerous sport. Then there is Carly. Thinking she can make a difference in the greatest sport ever invented. Not knowing the only time a women should be on the field is during half time doing theatrical dances or asking male players about the cold whether. Or how about for not knowing the simple fact the genital herpes last forever. Well I think Carly wins. The only logic I can think of for her pure stupidity is Syphilis. If Syphilis is not treated in its early stages it can lead to insanity. Add that with her already bipolar personality and you once again have Jack Nickelson in the movie “One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s nest”.
43. SOMF: The List’s new addition of Sarah had mixed reactions. Some agreed and said she is an OK blond with HUGE tits and a fat ass. Others said that she is just big and if she lived in Green Bay she would always get mistaken for Clay Matthews. But when the votes were added up she proved to be list worthy. Though she has been blessed with bountiful breast, she doesn’t want to be known for her cup size, but just for who she is. So I speak for all the heterosexual men in the grade when I say “Whatever you say, 36D”
44. Diabetes: The argument of whether Biz should be on the list, was one that may have consumed the most time. And consuming the most of anything was a trait that nay sayers brought up. Voluptuous vs. Victories in eating contest was the name of the case, that truthfully didn’t have a clear winner. Nay-sayers also brought in verbal evidence from tedious investigations that established Biz had sex with Sheldon at least on time. Though the opposition had fat and filthy to the lead their case the supports brought in 2 key pieces of evidence. A bra, that read a large and nice number and pants that had been clearly filled in by a fat ass. So case dismissed, the friendly neighborhood diabetic stays on.
45. The Specialist: After taking in Izzy’s overall appearance and coming to the realization that rankings are 90% based on looks and 10% other, she got the nod of affirmative. And one might ask how she has stock that is up. And the answer to that is that she hasn’t done anything especially scandalous lately, well at least not openly. But with a name like Specialist, she has to be good.
46. Frany: Mary made the List because Olivia Zwerski-Moran was voted off and she was voted in. It’s not a big change because she decent and guys seem to be pleased. And after #30 people realize that spots just need to be filled.
47.Pudge: Sophie was actually lost weight. But certain potions of pudge are still there and that causes her and her boyfriend to look like the #10 when standing side by side. Though in her defense he is pretty tall. She defiantly still cute, but not where she was or at least where voters thought she was coming into HS.
48. Energizer Bunny: Joy has good looking sisters both in front of her and behind and she doesn’t bring shame to the Dennis name, even though all she has is an attractive face
49. The Book Worm: You may or may not like Abigail on the list, but let the record show voters were given the options of her or Hannah Myer. Though it was neck and neck votes gave Abigail a slight advantage. I think of her as a smaller and less attractive version of the Sr. Rachel Durbin. Except without all the scars and not what some football player claimed Rachel to be: “john teshin Crazy, Man!”.
50. Frost Concubine: A male surprised to see Simone received the votes to make the List asked if she was seriously on the document. I responded by saying as serious as her and Chuck’s relationship. The male sighed with relief and asked who #49 really was. I responded by saying they have frequent sex and I’m fairly sure that makes it a serious relationship. The male then walked away disgusted, disappointed, and disorientated.”