2023, The end of Okami

That is the year I have decided.


First off, yesterday, I turned 20. The most pointless year in American history. Can't buy a fucking drink, but I can go to war, yet I am not a teenager anymore. I haven't done anything at all that has signified that any part of my life has meant anything or is supposed to mean anything. Hell, I haven't even fucked yet so I'm part of that god damn pathetic crowd that never fucked until he was out of his teens. God damn it.

I always wanted to be a writer, that is what I've decided that my role in this life was supposed to be. To write something to change someone else's point of view or to at least give them a wider range of thought from what they originally thought. But I've failed at every angle. I haven't written a story, the poetry I've written wouldn't even entertain a god damn chimpanzee on pcp, and every attempt I've made at trying to make my name known at least across the internet, the most lowliest form of mass media sources, have failed because a "friend" of mine decided that she couldn't help me because I wasn't imediately benefiting her in some kind of way be it financial or profesional.

I can't believe that my life was meant to be nothing but canon fodder for the statistics that this world seems to be run on. I refuse to be anything but a number. But thats the way my life seems to be heading. I seriously feel like I am doomed to be nothing more than a percentage in the american consensus. Why was I meant to see life through these eyes if I wasn't meant to do something with it. If I wasn't meant to change some part of this god damn life, if I wasn't meant to do anything, then why exist in the first place?

I'm not just frustrated with my virginity because if that was all, I'd be no better than Eva here, but I'm frustrated with my life as a whole. I have seen people past the age of 40 and 50 and so forth. There is nothing left after that. No chances for them to better their life or the lives of others. I'm just 20, and already I am tired and world weary. Tell me that I am not, or that I don't know enough of the world to be tired of it in the first place, I'll just say that I'm just too tired because of all of the shit that I've had to go through with nothing to show for it. I am so damn scared that my life would be for nothing, that everything that I have gone through would have been done in vain. That my whole life, whole existence in this world, even though I've tried so hard to make it not so, would be for nothing.

I can't do it like the rest of them. I can't continue to live a meaningless existence like so many others in this world. You may not agree, or like what I have decided, but 2023 is the end for me. If anything, I have the power to decide when I want to go. If I have the power to change anything else other than the time that I die, then it will show itself before then, but until then, I have decided that the end, the only real thing that I have control over, for me will be the year 2023, the year that I turn 37. To the world and those that mean something to me, I'm sorry, but unless it is shown to me that I am more than just a number to this world, then that is all.

The countdown began at 9/14/06 and 1 second.

Dude, quit being so depressing, I'm turning 20 in a month and I haven't achieved jack shit in life, but for some reason that really doesn't bother me

Seriously though, don't stress out, life's not about achievement or meaning, the goal of life is to be happy. So what if you're just a number to other people, fuck them, what do they know.

ANOTHER EDIT: Ignore everything I said. I misunderstood this. I have no fucking idea what he wants from us. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?! Do you want us to make fun of you? To console you? To tell you to end your life? To tell you NOT to end your life?

If you can't tell us what it is you're looking for...how the hell should we know?

And after a long and futile conversation in AIM, I've found that he does not wish to even consider any of the advice that was given to him. I wash my hands of the matter, and wish him luck in life, should he choose to live it. And I say that metaphorically, not physically.

I have one word....tuh...

I just have to comment on this...everything you're saying right there is BULLSHIT and you know it...I'm 20 and I see a bright future for myself...not because I'm privleged or anything, because I'm not....I have a family that has sheltered me, fed me, and signed me up for school...other than that, it's all been on me...I don't have a license or car, no job, and a GED...I won't get into my problems and issues, but let's just say my current situation isn't the best right now...but I'm determined to survive, and to accomplish my goals...IT FUCKING TAKES TIME THOUGH...at 20 all you can be expected to do is learn to take care of yourself and to survive on your own...many people aren't even successful with that by 20, but 20 is still YOUNG, and there's nothing wrong with that...hell, we're still kids in the eyes of most adults....however with your attitude, you're not going to change anyone's mind...wanting to kill yourself because you haven't accomplished anything at fucking twenty years old is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard...even past 37 you can accomplish TONS of stuff...but only if you want to......fuck, impoverished children in Africa wouldn't give up so easily on life....many of them really DO have no futures, but they continue to try and survive by whatever means they can....

you probably won't even take any of this in...but if you do, know that I'm saying this all because on some level I care about you as a human being, and I hate to see good people waste their lives because they gave up....and because SUICIDE IS FUCKING STUPID NO MATTER WHAT THE REASON....so quit being a moron, pull your head out of your ass, and keep trying....and save this kinda shit for your livejournal...

EDIT:

yeah I figured as much...I needed to vent though...I've dealt with too many friends trying to kill themselves and some accomplishing it...I cannot stress in words how stupid suicide is, and how pathetic Okami's reasoning is....if he were anywhere near me I would slap in the face..nay, I would punch him in the face for being so GRRR...I won't even go on with this...I have stated my views on this...he can listen or not...

God forbid you wind up being normal. How horrible is that! Get over it.

Sex, shit. I didn't get laid until I was 21. OMG what a loser I am. I mean, I didn't have sex until I was 21 and I turned out to be some lameo who owns a house, a truck, had several girlfriends, a good job, and while I did drop out of college the first time I'm back now. HOLY SHIT!!! HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT!!!!!

Fucking a dude. Deal with the fact you may not become famous. Deal with the fact you might have to work a typical job to make ends meet. Deal with the fact real life is not a movie where fame and success fall into your lap without having to work for it.

Meaningless? What, is making friends and being a friend so pointless to you? Is helping people you care for worthless? Is possibly starting a family and raising children such a meaningless venture for you? If it is, I'm sad for you. Life doesn't end at forty or fifty or sixty. Sure, oppurtunities are lost but they are also gained. How many senators or politicians are in their 30's? Not many, why? Cause they're not trusted with important decission. I'm not suggesting you go into politics, but just because you're older doesn't mean life is over.

I can go on and on. But I doubt you'll even read this. Not depressing enough.

Okami, let me start off by saying you're going through some tough times. Tough shit, so have I. Now the question is, are you going to dwell on the bad times, or fucking strive through them and thrive. The world has no use for victims, don't be one.

Here's my problem with people like you. You think the world owes you something. THAT is a load of horse shit. The world is harsh and cruel, it doesn't owe you jack and his brother. If you're tired of being a number, fucking rise above it. Don't just sit there and bitch about being a number and saying there is nothing you can do about it. You want to know what you can do about it? DON'T SUCK! That's how you're not a number.

Will I ever have any profound impact on the world? How the fuck should I know, I'm 19. I'm in college with a TV/Film major, Philosophy minor and training to get a commission in the Army. What the fuck will I do with all of that? I don't know, but I'm going to enjoy myself while doing it.

If you can't write the Great American Novel, write the Great American Short Story. Do something to distinguish yourself. Anything. I fucking took control of my high school, and right now I'm getting my name out at my college. Is that the world? No. It's my world, and since I'm the best man ever, that's the only world that counts.

If you wanna be a bitch and a lap dog for the rest of your life, ultimately ending in a pathetic suicide, be my guest. But for now, while you're wallowing in self pity, I'm going places.

And I like my coffee with milk and three sugars, remember that when you're serving me, since I'm fucking going places. I don't know where, I don't know when, I don't know how, but it will be awesome. And your ass will be shining my combat boots.

I especially laugh at the fact that he told me "Great, thanks a lot. It's gonna turn into a 'Let's flame Okami' thread." after my first post.

...Okami...you didn't need my help there. That was gonna happen regardless. Though this is less "flame" and more "smack upside the head".

Let's make this as blunt as we can: Join the Army and get over it.

You'll serve a purpose in the Army, learn some skills, and while you're there, you can take the time to figure out exactly what you want to do with your life. I have several friends who had no clue what they wanted to do with their lives and were wasting away. They joined the Army because they felt there was nothing else that they could do. When they came back, they had a clearer view of what they really wanted from life and a clearer view of how to accomplish what they wanted. I'm not saying that this will work for everyone, but it's an option.

And yes, I did have some friends who didn't make it back.

I'm not going to spout advice on this, since the best peice of advice on suicide came from..
...
...Here.

READ that Shit the WHOLE WAY Thru, Then if you say that you can't stand life anymore. I ain't gonna argue.

Edit: I'm gonna quote something from that in case you don't like reading alot.

The 50% Rule

This is a good standard to follow. The average person lives to be about 75 years old. So if you're less than 38 and have more than half of your life left, the odds are that, for instance, the funniest joke you'll ever hear in your life is one you haven't heard yet. It's just statistics. Odds are you also haven't yet...

...met the girl you'll love the most;

...met your best friend;

...heard your favorite album;

...started the best job you'll ever have;

...read the best book;

...seen the best movie or played the coolest video game;

...found the hobby you're most interested in;

...had the best sex;

...had the most original, mind-blowing idea;

...met the dumbest person you'll ever meet;

...or seen the stupidest haircut.

You can make your own list. Look around your room, look around your life. If you're less than 38, the sheer odds are that the future holds a more awesome version of everything you see. You've got to weigh all of that shit. You're not really even conscious of your life until age 7 or 8, so to decide it's all bullshit after just ten or fifteen more years is like judging a movie by its poster.

Especially if you haven't had sex yet. I want to make a special point of that one. If you're at an age that you haven't had the sex, you definitely want to put off the suicide thing at least until after that. And if you're some kid with bad skin and are scoffing at me, thinking that the pretty girls don't even look at you, I'm going to let you in on one of society's biggest secrets:

Girls who look like models are never very good in bed. Don't take my word for it. Ask around.

Or, maybe you'll find out for yourself.

This may not be taken the way I want it to (and I'm not even sure which way that it) but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Why are you bothered that you haven't accomplished much or anything at all in your life, and probably never will? In the grand scheme of things, nobody fucking does. I know at some point in the future, 20 or 200 or 2000 years from the day I die, the last thing anybody ever remembered about me will be forgotten. Do you know who invented the wheel? No, you don't, nobody does. That happens. I guess my point is, stop living to be remembered, because nobody fucking does. There's two things worth living for, the moment, and whatever your conception of the afterlife is. You're 20, you're in the prime of your life, have some fucking fun. I have no idea what the future holds for you or for me or for anybody, but it sure as hell doesn't hold these years again, so do what you want with them. Remember, nobody but God can judge you, so get of your fucking ass and try something, anything, and see what happens. The greatest risk is not taking a risk at all.
Wow, this is so creepy; I'm listening to Aerosmith's Dream On.

"In 20 years you will be more dissapointed by the things you didn't do then by the ones you did." - Mark Twain.

And I'm not flaming Okami, I'm fucking calling him out. There's a difference.

first let me say DON'T JOIN THE MILLITARY we will be harder on you then anything else in life. If a little disapointment sent you suicidal then don't even try. If you were wandering through life aimlessly i might suggest it but if you're just emo about your life not bein like a movie well all i can say is get over it.

Get over yourself dude.

'I am trying to be a writer', first step:SIT AND F'IN WRITE. If it is crap then continue with step one over and over again till you get it right. write about nothing or anything or everything. it doesn't matter, just write.

2nd step: Find A F'in publisher. The internet as a publisher is a bad idea. Why, you ask? simple, people on the internet are assholes. HI I'M TAK! I'M AN ASSHOLE GIVING YOU ADVICE. YOU WON'T TAKE IT CAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE, AND YOU ARE A EMO KID.
try sending your work to various publishers. If that does not work try self publishing. There are various self publishing companies, my suggestion is dog ear.
My buddies gf uses them and she has alot of books written and published already.

3rd step: REPEAT THE LAST 2 F'IN STEPS YOU IDIOT.
If I have to try and make this any easier I'd beat you in the head with 90 pounds of HE round till you get it.



now i must get back to my gf's sweet chest pillows. YOU made me mad cause you're only a year younger then me and you are crying about doin nothing in your life. Boo-flippin-hoo! you are a child, cause you obviously don't know how to deal with life as an adult.

Ok. That was all interesting bits of advice. And yes, contrary to some belief, especially Tama's, I read through all of that.

What I'm getting here is, "shut the fuck up and do something with your life bitch!" from just about everyone here. Alright, that's cool. It's the internet. I came in here knowing I wasn't going to get a pat on the back, a plate full of chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk.

With all of that considered, did I say I was going to off myself tomorrow? Or did I say that I was going to wait to see what else this life has for me? I chose the second because I don't want to just die now, or tomorrow. I know there's more crap for me to go through and possibly more good things to come. But here's something else guys:

You don't know my life. You don't know what I have tried. You don't know how hard I've been fighting to make my life worth while. I set up that date years ago and since then, I've been trying harder than ever to write my story that gets deleted because my brother burnt out the hard drive, my dad reformatted the computer, or my god damn dog ate the back up disk, and after all of that, I'm still trying to write it. Contrary to popular belief, I don't sit in front of this computer all day long with my thumbs up my ass thinking to myself I should be king of the world.

Since I designated that date as the day I take control of at least 1 aspect of my life, the time it ends, I have been trying to fully appreciate life to it's fullest while at the same time having some asshole in the background throw a bag of maneur into a fan, pointing it in my direction, and turning it on full blast. Yeah, life is shit, and it takes no prisoners. There are others who have it easier, and then there are others who have it harder such as the case of that kid with the sick ass skin disease. But here's something, I'm not living life through their eyes. I'm not feeling things through their fingers or their heart. This is my life. This is my story.

You guys want to lambast me? Go ahead. But don't think that I'm not reading and taking your opinions into consideration, (except for Takuun).Go ahead and call me emo all you want. Just remember that emo is a god damn music and clothing fad and not a freakin emotion.

And what kick-ass music it is.
(I'll take some of the flaming for you, Okami)

Great. Thanks for the dilemma. I feel the urge to fire a flamethrower the size of a howitzer at your general direction for that comment, yet I must show consideration for the gesture. Dilemma, dilemma.